The Latest Research Results of the Onion Studies Society: Drinking Guide for Big Shots in Onion Province (2023 Latest Revised Edition)

On-Xue Research Society's Latest Research Achievement: "Guide to Drinking for Provincial Big Onions" 2023 Latest Revised Edition

1 Provincial Big Onions don't have a high alcohol tolerance, but they are good at playing tricks. They achieve this by organizing people to create formalities and performances to complete tasks, thereby concluding a harmonious and successful banquet that pleases both hosts and guests, serving as a contemporary way to seek favors and foster relationships.

2 Provincial Big Onions are divided into four types based on their influence: Village Onions, composed of village party secretaries, greenhouse owners, and farm directors. Township Onions, mainly consisting of small business owners, township officials, supplemented by locally whitewashed bullies. The composition of County Onions is more complex, but officials, business owners, and bank management form the main force. City Onions have a similar composition to County Onions, with a slight upgrade. The difference is that city onions have mostly visited Hong Kong, Macau, or traveled abroad. Provincial Onions specifically refer to those in Qingdao and Jinan, which are upgrades of City Onions, and can be called: City Onion Plus. As for Beijing Onions, they are Provincial Onion Plus Pro. Rural onions and township onions are considered "small onions." This paper mainly focuses on the research and examples of "big onions" at the provincial, city, and county levels.

3 Big Onions typically host banquets in luxurious private rooms of high-end restaurants. City-level private rooms used to have KTV, but they have all disappeared. Dining chairs are uniform, lighting is bright and orderly, dining tables seat more than ten people, and the decor is exquisite. Artificial flowers in porcelain vases are placed in the center. There are also small, shabby private rooms and mid-range private rooms. According to the spirit of Onionology, if a City Onion doesn't recommend someone or give gifts, they won't be included in the research plan.

4 If all guests have arrived, it takes ten minutes to arrange seating. Government officials come first, followed by employees of public institutions, and then business owners. If there are no superior-subordinate relationships among the attendees, this is a unique way of hosting guests in the province, otherwise, the relationships would be chaotic.

If the main figures haven't arrived, they wait. They can chat and laugh until 8 PM while waiting. The popularity of playing cards (Guandan) is largely due to the metaphysics of "waiting." While waiting, the host will quietly send a message to the guests asking about their location. Moments later, the host's phone rings. After a brief conversation, the host hangs up with a serious yet joyful expression, saying: "The leader is arriving soon. I just finished discussing work with the top leader." Everyone present immediately becomes solemn. At this moment, everyone displays high emotional intelligence, nodding in unison, putting on an expression of "He didn't say anything, but I understand all the secrets." The implied meaning is: If the leader, after meeting with the top leader, still comes, it means their position is stable and likely to rise. The leader is arriving "soon." The phrase "soon" is very open-ended. In this province, "soon" can be roughly translated to 35 minutes or more.

Once everyone has arrived, there's another round of introductions through handshakes and offering cigarettes. Not much is said, mainly focusing on the origin of the relationships. Cigarettes offered are usually soft Zhonghua, Taishan, or Yuxi. Those who smoke Nanjing are usually small onions. Big onions always smoke soft Zhonghua. Face and taste are secondary; the important thing is to reflect personal habits: smoking soft Zhonghua for decades has become a habit. This reflects stability.

The ten-minute seating arrangement is mainly about politeness and deference. Small and big onions know their seats within 3 seconds of entering the room, a result of years of experience or upbringing. The remaining 9 minutes and 57 seconds are just for mutual courtesy and deference, allowing time to flow. This can be called showing off or politeness, and more accurately termed: sincere hypocrisy.

6 In mid-to-low-end hotel private rooms, the seat facing the door is considered the main seat. However, it's different in high-end luxury private rooms. In this province, what's considered luxurious is a spacious room of at least 50 square meters, with multi-layered lighting (main and secondary lights), carpeted floors, tea ceremony setups, humidifiers, and a painting of peonies or the Great Wall by a famous local artist on one wall. Directly below the painting is the host's seat, no longer prioritizing the position facing the door. This way, the host loses the physical advantage of seeing guests arrive first, but it also avoids potential issues like identity exposure.

7 The host generally serves as the main host, and the assistant host is someone invited by the host to add prestige and drink. If you can outdrink the assistant host, you are considered great. The assistant host should have seniority and be eloquent, often having experience as a leader's secretary. If not a secretary, they likely served as an office director and can share some "internal affairs." The third and fourth hosts, in addition to the task of toasting, are mainly responsible for creating atmosphere, such as egging people on, applauding, and cheering.

The standard language of a high-level onion is: when toasting, they absolutely will not use crude phrases like "If you don't finish it, you don't respect me." They have several sets of toasting phrases, such as "One glass for your devotion, two glasses for our good fortune, three glasses for our prosperity," and other awkward pleasantries.

If there are female guests, there will also be female hosts. The main goal is for the female hosts to drink until they are sick. They can drink red wine, and pouring a full glass is considered excellent for a female onion. Female onions are not only knowledgeable and well-behaved but also skilled at toasting and drinking. This can be seen from the classic Monogram LV bags they carry. If someone tries to force-drink a female onion, they are at most an out-of-town bumpkin onion. In most cases, they will be decisively defeated by the female onion. Decisive defeat doesn't mean drinking an equal amount. Female onions are eloquent and sharp-tongued, making it unbearable for others. Outsiders might quickly drink three glasses and say, "Brother, I was wrong." Amidst laughter, the female onion easily defeats the out-of-town bumpkin onion by toasting with them.

8 After being seated, the host usually initiates the drinking, typically with three cups. The assistant host follows, also usually with three cups. Then it's the turn of the third and fourth hosts. After the host's side finishes toasting, the guests begin to reciprocate. The subtlety here depends on the performance of the main guest. If their position is not high, they are not wealthy, and they lack prestige, they must use alcohol to control the situation. If they perform poorly, they will face a round-robin of toasts. If they perform well, after one round, they can move on to other activities, such as "left three circles, right three circles," and so on. After these two rounds, everyone has consumed at least half a liter of baijiu.

9 Some assistant hosts will bring a large cup and tell a joke to lighten the mood, saying, "I'll finish this, everyone else is casual." Be aware, when a provincial onion says "you are casual," if you actually act casual, you are too casual. Just discussing your casualness could lead to five years of debate, and they could even create eight scenarios about what kind of down jacket you are wearing.

Next, observe the performance of the main guest. If it's not good, the round-robin toasting quietly begins within the framework of Confucian etiquette... The main guest must drink until they vomit, and vomit on the spot. If they don't vomit, everyone feels slighted and discriminated against, and they must regain face here.

Why? Because the people the main guest brought are not good enough. Bringing inadequate people is seen as disrespect. Of course, the main task of the third and fourth hosts and the third and fourth guests in the later stages is to drink on behalf of their superiors. Superiors need to conserve their strength, as they still need to summarize and deliver enthusiastic speeches at the end of the banquet. What? You are drinking beer? Red wine? Foreign liquor in my province? If you are of Vice-National level, you can even drink water. Everyone can accompany you drinking water all night.

You are not, so drink baijiu. This is Hulk Province, right? Can't drink baijiu? Baijiu to beer is 1:6, to red wine is 1:3. This is Hulk Province, right?

10 Half of the big onions in the province cannot drink Maotai every day. City and Provincial Onions bring some Maotai when they go to Beijing. In the province, only in big cities or when old buddies visit can it be drunk. Don't listen to their boasting about being a major GDP province; at most, they drink some Wuliangye, and mainly drink local baijiu, which still costs a thousand yuan per bottle.

Some local low-alcohol content wines don't seem strong at first, and a bottle is quickly finished. Afterwards, various discomforts will collectively erupt because those wines are blended. There are also subtleties with local baijiu. The host will whisper: "This wine is an internal supply sent by officials at or above the rank of section chief." You cannot expose the mystery or pretend to be aloof. Regardless, you must give the host some face: you can pick up the wine bottle and examine it carefully, saying: "Judging by the packaging, it's definitely not available outside the province!" It says here: "Internal Special Supply." This sentence confirms that the host has a very close relationship with the section chief. Afterwards, the guest also opens a pack of cigarettes not circulated on the market and casually lights one for the host. After taking a puff, the host feels it's unusual and asks... Well, a new round of sincere hypocrisy begins.

11 Those who can drink Maotai depend on the guest's rank. Generally, officials at the rank of department head are served Maotai. Don't overthink it. Even if you are an entrepreneur in my province, you are defined by your official rank. A chairman with a net worth of 100 million yuan is equivalent to a county magistrate, and a chairman with tens of millions is equivalent to a town party secretary or a director of the earthquake bureau.

Regardless of the type of alcohol, if the host brings their children, and the children join the table, they must toast. Those with talents must also perform on the spot, singing if they can sing, dancing if they can dance. If they have no particular talent, even doing some broadcast gymnastics is acceptable...

After the performance, the relationship-building begins. It's impossible not to know someone; everyone must be from the same circle, with relationships spanning five kilometers and fifty years across two generations.

12 At this point, the steaming hot big fish is served. Coastal cities eat sea fish, while inland areas mainly eat freshwater fish like carp. In any case, the fish head must face the main guest. The host will invite the main guest: "Please start eating, please start eating, bless it." At this time, there should be mutual deference, "You first, no, you first." The main guest symbolically moves their chopsticks, signifying the fish has been blessed, and everyone begins to eat. If the fish is expensive, the host will serve the gill meat to the main guest. The tail is given to the last guest. This is called "head and tail connection"...

After eating the fish, the climax of the banquet begins. Everyone must give a speech, ending with blessings. True provincial culture begins here. To discern if someone is a senior onion, one must see if their speech is profound and interesting. Some people don't like to speak, so they drink three cups vigorously and say: "It's all in the wine!"

13 Onions meeting for the first time will have a few extra rounds to deepen their acquaintance. Gradually, someone will lose their composure and stop using cups, drinking directly from the bottle. When someone starts drinking from the bottle, the banquet enters its climax. At this point, everyone is in a chaotic frenzy, and it's impossible to hear each other clearly. However, the main guest and the main host begin to whisper, which is the most important part of the banquet. If the guest is a retired 70-year-old onion, they must continue to sing and dance, pretending to be happy. After the climax, fatigue immediately sets in. Those with insight...

The host arranges staple foods for the accompanying meeting, including steamed buns, dumplings, and noodles. More attentive hosts might arrange for fried noodles or small wontons.

14 After drinking, eating, and chatting, the host's true capabilities are revealed. No matter where you live, they must arrange a car to take you back, or they will stand at the entrance of the restaurant and watch everyone leave. Before leaving, everyone gets into the car with at least several boxes, containing things like braised meat, sea cucumber, and tea. After everyone has left, the host generously exclaims: "That bureau can really drink! I was drunk tonight..." The voice is booming! The security guards and designated drivers at the entrance must feel deafened, perhaps even enlightened about their own lives.

Those who don't arrange cars for guests after drinking can be considered small green onions. They are still five houses away from being big green onions. Truly big green onions primarily drive Range Rovers, with license plates often featuring triple numbers. Big green onions never go off-roading in their SUVs; they just feel that SUVs are sturdy and safe.

15 Finally, no matter how drunk the host is, they will forcefully calm down and make a phone call: "Leader, have you arrived home? I didn't entertain you well tonight, nor did we drink enough. I'll treat you again another day to apologize..." After hanging up, they won't forget to lecture their children: "Do you know how much money I spent tonight? What am I doing this for? I've worked my whole life for you!"

After scolding, the big shot from Cong Province slurps down the noodle soup his wife made with great satisfaction, but also feels a bit indignant. He then opens his WeChat Moments, reposts a health-preserving article, and adds a few comments using idioms... His day ends in contentment. Even in his dreams, he doesn't forget to snore or talk in his sleep. His snores rise and fall, his sleep-talking fluctuates in pitch, together composing the ordinary yet extraordinary life of the big shot from Cong Province.